Sunday, December 27, 2009

Younger now than we were before...


All good things must come to an end. Take a vacation for instance....you spend all that time planning, packing, driving there...and in what seems like a matter of seconds...you are driving home, unpacking, and back to the daily grind! Then there's that fantastic chocolate fondue at the Melting Pot. You "save room" during the cheese (unless you are me..man I love cheese), "hold off" on the last bit of the main course (unless you are Richard...or any man for that matter), then before you know it..you have a crazy amount of cheesecake, a few Oreo covered marshmallows, but no gooey goodness. Boo! I'm sure the proverb isn't referring to my desperate annual need to put my toes in the sand or add a few inches to my waistline....I'm pretty sure it is referring to life, death...and possibly the 30 year marriage wrecked by that skanky 20 something secretary who can't keep her eyes off the large dollar signs on her bosses back pocket, but as 2009 comes to an end so does an era. It's not quite the end of my 20s, but definitely the end of my youth!

So we have hit the six week mark in Hudson's short life. I have to admit that it has been HUGELY different than the first six of Corbin's. We are definitely waiting for the other shoe to drop, but trying to enjoy what has been our "easy" baby so far (knock on wood). He is eating us out of house and home, but it's the "cheap" stuff, not the golden milk! Who could possibly ask for more than that. Not me, that's for sure. Corbin has gotten a little more jealous in recent days, but still kisses on his baby brother ALL.THE.TIME...aka...putting all his weight on poor Hudson's belly and practically eating his face. Other than that, there isn't much to report.

It's such a weird feeling to make the last decision of your youth. To bring the string of milestones left in your life to a complete end. No I didn't plan on anymore kids. No I don't ever want to be pregnant again. But no I don't want this to be done. You wait your entire life for these things to happen. You imagine what it will be like. And then it's over. You find the love of your life. You fall in love. You get engaged. You plan a wedding, buy a house, and start a family. It's exciting. It's unpredictable. It's the things you pretend when you are 5 years old. Now I'm standing on the other side. Looking back on what has happened in the past 6 years. It happened so fast. I feel like I'm on this runaway train and I've got my hands out the window desperately trying to grab onto something to slow it down. Like nails on a chalkboard. 5 seconds ago I was lying in bed watching these small little kicks from inside my belly, laughing about what our baby boy would sound like when he said daddy, what his name would be, and where he would go to school (definitely UGA!). 10 seconds later I was singing "You are my sunshine" to Corbin and 5 seconds after that his face changed to Hudson. This can't be it. Sure...if we never had anymore kids..we would get our lives back, get back to us. I could find what it is I've always wanted to do...my next definition. I could go to the bathroom without any visitors. Drink my morning tea before it got cold. Watch a channel that doesn't sing about wanting a candy cane for Christmas. But what if you hesitate when you go to summon someone to "fix" it ;) (Richard that is). It sounds like the perfect idea until there's no going back.

I truly believe that your gut tells you which direction your life should take you. What you'll be and who you will love. And apparently when it's time to throw in the towel on procreating ;) Is this a defining moment in my life? A defining decision? Or just another moment in a string of best days in my life? I'm beginning to understand what it means to just let your life happen. You can't anticipate the next number you land on in this game of Life. Having children is seeing the steps you take in life from the other perspective, from an adult perspective....wisdom is like watching your child's life from the top of the Empire State Building...you can see a little further into their future than they can. Being a parent is constantly trying to stop that crash on 5th street from happening while the car your kid is driving is still down on Main. It's in that instant that your baby will bring back that element...that innocence you lose when you experience all the events that make you "wise". My type A mind craves the perspective you find from the top of that building. The answer to questions we don't get answers to. The ability to suck the shock out of the best surprises...no pun intended, Mom ;) To change the inevitable. But does that mean I want to miss out on the joy or the lessons in the unexpected? Plan out every minute of the rest of my life? Sounds pretty boring. So here's my New Year's resolution...to let go of those reins. To give into unpredictable. To come down off the ledge of that building. To truly be young. Will we have another baby? Not today. Will we bounce around the living room with our boys the next time Ellen dances up her stairs? Go to Monticello's on the anniversary of the day we started dating? Plan a trip to put my toes in the sand? Without a doubt. So many people get lost in the details of things that are out of our control. I can be one of them. Worry more about the outcome rather than the steps it takes to get there. So here's to reinventing my youth.. but let's be honest..here's to the first step in fulfilling my resolution... do something about the things I can "control" today...a birth ;) So Dr. Morris..let's order that up! Ha ha!

1 comment:

Levy Family said...

I love reading your posts! You are able to articulate all the things that I think and feel and never have a chance to get out. Yes, you will figure out what comes next and the good part about kids is that although they grow up so fast, they do give us so many opportunities to "smell the roses" and appreciate the little things in life.