Having a baby is one of the most wonderful things in your life, as well as the hardest thing in your life. ~ Nuno Bettencourt
Some weeks are harder than others. Some weeks, taking care of Corbin seems like this vacation from work on the Cayman Islands. The sun is shining and all is right in the world. Except for if that was true..I'd be using PAID time off...so it's not exactly like that ;) But those weeks are few and far between when your baby has colic. The weeks that fill in the gaps consist of these constant battles against yourself. Against your frustration, against your guilt, against your jealousy, and against your kicking, screaming, wailing baby.
I can't really complain. Our baby could be much worse off and things have been worse, but I might just be coming to the end of my rope. Might just be sick of this charade we put on everytime we feed our child. It's kind of like a marathon and you have no idea how many miles you are running. It's for a good cause, so you don't bother to ask because that would just be inappropriate. In fact, most people would think it was completely insane that any related thought had or will cross my mind. It's extremely hard to stay on course in the midst of a screaming baby that has run the gamut of soothing techniques with no relief. Standing in a dark bathroom, fan and water on full blast, covered in baby spit-up and bouncing on a large red exercise ball for what appears, at the time, to be for no reason...just might start to chip away at that perfect mommy exterior. The frustration, I'm assuming..is pretty self-explanatory. But then he flashes this sincere glimpse of his true temperament, this sweet little personality, and I forget that he was ever even crying. I remember why I'm running with no end in sight.
The colic isn't a disease he has, just a thing he does. His way of communicating that something is wrong. I hate it when people tell me that "he'll grow out of it" or that "he's just a baby and this is what babies do." A) I'm sure most of the people who make these lovely comments...have never had a baby with colic and B) Some of them don't have babies at all! I'm tempted to leave Corbin at their house for 48 hours and have them report back afterwards. Don't get me wrong..I love my child more than anything, but if this is what babies do...why the HELL would anyone have children?!?!?!? I'm not going to lie. The pregnancy was exciting for about 5 minutes and then I felt nauseous..literally. Then it was exciting again..then it got boring..then it got majorly uncomfortable. Not to mention the birth....when your epidural wears off just in time for the pushing. No one told me it didn't work for pressure. Thanks for that! Then he was cute for a few weeks during which I was nursing..some women love it, I was not one of those women..then after a few weeks, he started wailing. Now we are at the present.
Through all this rain, I can still see the reason for my endurance. No..I don't believe we are ingrained with a gene that makes us coo at babies even if we don't like them...this is from an article a coworker gave me on one of my last days at work..I'm not completely sure why. It's all the sweet, innocent moments you have in between all the chaos. Like these moments of clarity that come a little less often than the ones that make you feel like you might snap...but drown out all that white noise. In the past three months, Corbin has had jaundice, puked through his nose, puked on my face, pooped in the bathtub, cried what seems like at least 45 days straight, taken 2 hours to burp, caused 6 trips to the pediatrician and 1 to a gastrointerologist, made me sit in a car for an hour and a half just so he wouldn't wake up if I took him in the house, and let's not talk about what happens after you are done nursing ;) .....But GOD you should see him laugh :)
Richard and I were semi-obnoxious to my sister when my nephew was really little. She showed us his new trick...he could pick up a puff with two fingers and put it in his mouth. Seeing as we had not had children and were not near the stage...we were the least bit impressed. What the hell did we know?!?! Now I'm sorry I didn't see the amazement in what a huge accomplishment that was. It seems the longer we endure the "April showers" we're experiencing, the sweeter those moments of clarity, our "flowers", become. Corbin has started to reach for his toys and if you could only see the intent on his face. He is trying so hard to sit up that it causes him to spit up more, but I don't care (as long as it doesn't hurt him). Because he is my challenge and my reward all at the same time. He lights up when I walk into the room. I would sit in a bathroom for eternity just to see him smile once. This is why we have children. This is the break in the marathon that gives you the strength to keep on running. When he is all bundled up and I'm rocking him to sleep, I wish you could see him laugh at his dreams and then get quiet again as he drifts further to sleep. Those people who choose not to have children because "that is what babies do" are truly missing out on the reason for having them in the first place.